The Medal

This medal is a symbol of two powerful emotions: fear and motivation. And these two emotions will determine who and what will you become in the future. They are the sources and foundation of your actions, decisions, and choices-- small or big-- which will either make you or break you. 

Today, I will speak about dreams and how I came about realizing in a hard way the dangers of focusing too much on numbers and end results as a measure of success and self-worth.

Who among you think you are successful in your chosen field? What is your perception about success and excellence? Is it based on medals and certificates you earn?

When I was still in high school, I thought that success is always measured by grades and number of medals. I graduated salutatorian, achieved PGMA excellence award in campus journalism, and obtained several other awards to the point that I looked awkward for having so many medals hanged around my neck. Although I haven't achieved the topmost rank, which is Valedictorian, I felt proud and a sense of accomplishment. And I thought those accomplishments made my parents happy and proud.

College days came and it provided me an opportunity to set new goals. Again I always carry this belief in me that success is all about getting high grades and achieving awards. My happiness and well-being are always tied up to that idea. The first semester of my first year ends and I managed to be the top 1 in the whole College of Commerce. I also won the championship in our Accounting Wizard contest.

I felt elated and very proud for landing top 1 and I can say that that was one of the best moments of my life. These achievements fed my ego which I did not realize was already destroying my life. I became arrogant and I saw myself as something special.

When I reached 2nd year I started to lose momentum and my performance started to decline. I thought maybe I am not doing my best and I probably need to work harder. Upon reaching 3rd year I was at my worst and was totally burnt out. I almost failed in my Computer Programming subject which I considered my forte.

I am still holding on this thought that I need to get high grades and I should reach the highest honors when I graduate not realizing that I was already burnt out. My ego is telling me that I need to maintain my ranking or else people will think that I am a total failure. I had this fear that I may not be good enough to other people especially my parents and my peers.

My self-esteem started to plummet. Close friends noticed that I seem sad and too serious all the time and asked me if there is something wrong. I blatantly said that I am fine and I am just tired because of school work. My ego hinders me from letting myself be vulnerable and open up with my close friends and family afraid that they might judge me negatively.

One day I went to a church and just sat there praying. I asked God to give me some answers. That point was the start of self-transformation. With prayers and support from family especially my mother, I started to search for answers. I found several literature that talk about living a God-centered and principle-centered life where inner values like love, learning, and determination are embraced. It was a big paradigm shift for me as my self-worth was based more on ego.

One author who marked a big influence with this transformation is Jon Kabat-Zinn. He is the founder of modern mindfulness and I found his book titled "Wherever you go there you are" as life-changing. With his book I did not only learn about mindfulness techniques but also the principles of living a sane and balanced life. These principles are letting go, patience, non-judging, trust, and generosity.

During those moments I realized that I have been focusing too much on superficial things. And when you release and let go of ideals, beliefs, and thoughts that you have been holding for almost entirely all your life, it is like you are given a new life and a new beginning.

I started to shift my mind and my heart on things that matter. I started meditating and exercising. Meditation in particular was very helpful and life-changing to me as it opened my heart to positive emotions. I developed a strong resolve to not take things too seriously and feel terrible when things go out of hand. Instead I try to make sense out of my situation and trust that there is someone bigger who is in control. I stopped worrying and started to focus on things that I have control with.

Setting goals and working on achieving them are of paramount importance. They are the starting point of all kinds of progress. The technology that we have today is a concrete manifestation of human dreams. And these dreams would not come true if not because of man's extraordinary passion, determination, and persistence to move mountains and to do the impossible. 

However, it is equally important to know by heart that our happiness, fulfillment and self-worth should not be dependent on external merits that fed the ego but should be dependent on inner values and principles that nurture the soul. 

These days I always keep in mind that I might fail in my current and future undertakings but at least I have the courage to try and not let my fears get the better of me.

When I look at this medal I recall a lot of memories-- both painful and happy ones. But I realize now that this is just a piece of metal that  reminds me that I have achieved something important. But just like any other stuff, this medal will perish. There is only one thing that remains forever and that is how we live our lives both for ourselves and for others. How about you? What do you feel with this medal? Is it fear of not being good enough or is it the motivation to learn something important?